So I just realized that my birthday occurs on Tuesday. That’s like. Half a week away.
For the vast majority of my life, I haven’t really been a party kind of guy.
Up until like Intermediate school, I’d typically do something with maybe one person, often just chill by myself.
But lately that’s changed. A lot.
I’ve always been a fairly social person, at the very least. But lately I’ve grown to much more strongly appreciate just kicking it with a cool group of friends, whatever that may entail.
Maybe it’s because it’s not something I’ll be able to do forever.
But in any case, I’ve been debating whether or not I want to do something this year. And if so, what?
Additionally, the other night as I was thinking, I stopped and found that I had made an entire playlist full of my favorite / most meaningful songs. I divided that up between the calmer and more upbeat, and realized I had created an absolutely perfect birthday playlist.
I do kind of feel it would kind of go to waste if I didn’t use it for its clear purpose.
But I don’t know. What should I do?
“You say that all the time” you used to tell me.
I’m sorry. It’s how I always blocked all of you out.
It worked, didn’t it?
The girl that makes up a large portion of my reasoning to want to go to Japan.
SHE’S JUST SO FUCKING CUTE I MEAN LOOK AT THIS SHIT
I’ll never forget this girl.
I mean, in the end, I can’t confidently say much about what kind of a girl she is. OTHER THAN AN OUTRAGEOUSLY CUTE ONE
But we had so much fun together when she came in the autumn. Made so many memories.
She always had a bright, enthusiastic smile when she saw me.
And for some reason, she was always so eager to present to me her incredible representation of the typical Japanese maid voice.
she would tell me every time she saw me.
“Welcome home, master~!”
If that’s not enough to make you fall madly in love, then by god, I don’t know what is.
Before she left, she wrote me a long, heartfelt note about how much fun she had with me, and everyone else.
The message she emphasized the most, however, was the one that I quoted as a post earlier. Just reading it, one wouldn’t think it held all that much meaning. And in the end, it probably doesn’t. At the time I read it, it didn’t really either; though it was at least a little bit touching.
I kind of paraphrased it. It might have been something more along the lines of “don’t forget your kindness and your smile.” But you get the point.
What truly made it mean the most to me, however, came long afterward.
I spent that fall involved in an absolutely torturous love affair.
I don’t need to go into it right now, but it was just a horribly long, painful, drawn-out process.
Life was awful. There was despair to be found in the struggles of every waking moment.
But one day, without much reason, thoughts of Riho found their way into my head. And with them came the words she gave me in that farewell note.
I realized straight away that, in a sense, I had clearly done exactly the opposite of what she had wanted. I found myself in a position where I could not for the life of me find a solid reason to smile.
Or at least not until that moment. Remembering those words made me realize that there was an adorable little Japanese girl somewhere wishing that I was just as happy as I appeared to be when I was with her. A little Japanese girl that truly just wanted me to be able to smile.
I mean, it’s really not a huge deal; I’m probably taking too much meaning from it.
But in the end, thinking about those words of hers has helped to get me through a lot.
There have been plenty of times when I have had plenty of reason to frown. Plenty of reason to be plenty displeased with plenty of things. A lot of life just hasn’t worked out to my advantage this past year, and sometimes it has a tendency to get to me.
But then I think of her, and of that simple, sweet little wish she had for my future, and I can’t seem to do anything but smile.
It’s really a magical thing.
In essence she didn’t even really do all that much. But it had an incredible impact on my life. One that I can’t possibly thank her enough for.
So this one goes out to Riho Momose. The Japanese high school girl to whom I owe a significant amount of my present happiness to, whether she even has any idea or not.
I could do anything if I had them.
I could make everything right.
When I ask myself what I think the most important thing I’ve learned is, it’s not all that difficult to answer.
Earlier this year, I would have said it was the power to believe.
The power to be convicted of something, and to pursue it with passionate fury.
To confidently believe in oneself, and to fight for something important to you.
To believe in something you can see or feel, and be able to dedicate yourself to it. Be it a feeling, or a person, or whatever else.
But recently I’ve realized that that’s not enough. It’s just a little bit too simple.
The most important thing I’ve learned is how to move forward with righteous conviction even when there isn’t a solid goal in sight.
To fight even when you’re not fighting for something right in front of you.
To have confidence in who you are and what you’re doing, even without constant reinforcement.
I mean, maybe this isn’t anything special. Maybe this is just another one of those things I should have understood long ago. That tends to happen. But I kind of felt like I had hit something important.
Yeah, as fucking if.
Man, how I was looking forward to prom.
It was just flat-out going to be a great night, no matter what happened.
I was going to dance with my friends. Have a good time. Enjoy myself.
Lately, I’ve been thinking about the things I’d like to say to certain people before we leave each other forever. And ideally, I was going to do at least a little of that, too.
Just generally spend time with the people who mattered most to me before we have to say goodbye.
I don’t think I was asking for or expecting all that much.
But unfortunately, I hardly got to do any of those things.
Why, you ask?
Because I was obligated to bring a certain girl with me.
A certain girl that can’t leave me alone to save her life. A certain girl that just couldn’t imagine it being a night where I enjoyed myself with my friends, instead of a night where my focus was directed entirely on her for some reason. A certain girl that caused me to leave almost an entire hour early just because she wasn’t having enough fun for those reasons.
I’m sure I’ve made it fairly clear how important memories are to me.
I’m more afraid of dying with regrets than I am of dying altogether.
I want to live my life to the fullest extent I can, for as long as I can.
I don’t want to miss out on anything.
But unfortunately, because of this girl, I had the misfortune of missing out on being able to make fond, lasting memories of an enjoyable senior prom.
Not only that, but because she would have pouted and gotten all dejected if I hadn’t taken her to waste my time, I was unable to instead take my exchange student friend from Japan, who also will never have another chance to experience this kind of thing.
Unfortunately, I just don’t think I can quite forgive all of that.
The other day, I stopped and I looked back.
I realized that this business has gone on for an entire six months.
For such a simple relationship with a girl with whom I share so little connection, I think that’s far more than enough.
It’s time to move on to better things.
how desperately I wish I lived in a household with intelligent, acceptable human beings.
I freaking love this girl.
Oh bold, dashing Lancer.
You were quite possibly the greatest badass of all.
I’ll never forget you.
You may very well have changed my life forever.
I thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for being the manliest man ever to have lived.
Sometimes I wonder to myself just what kind of role model I am to that little runt.
What sort of ideas, examples, concepts, ideals and whatnot I’m inadvertently imprinting onto his brain.
But then I realize I don’t care.
I just chatted with my friend on facebook
he was saying how to get a girl’s notice by make her jealous by flirting with other girls.
He said he madly falls in love with her.
in reality,he just wants to possess her more than he loves her.
that’s why I hate hollow high school romance
High school romances are the dumbest, shallowest, most meaningless relationships people will ever form. Largely because it is incredibly rare to find mature, intelligent individuals at a high school age.
However, they do provide for invaluable experience with interpersonal skills.
It’s hypothetically possible to not bother with anyone except the person you will marry in the future, but it’s still probably better to take some time to experiment; Especially while things are simple and impermanent. If not for your own enlightenment, then for the sake of your relationship with that significant other in the future.
That’s just what I think, though.
In the mail today there was a letter addressed to me.
I thought it was strange; I don’t get letters. I thought it was even stranger when I noticed that the sender and the recipient were the same person.
It was a letter I had been assigned to write at the end of my eighth grade year.
That was four years ago.
The first thing that strikes me is, naturally, just the general manner I carried myself in. To be quite frank, the immaturity and foolishness absolutely repulse me now. No need to analyze or elaborate too much on that though; It’s a pretty straightforward conclusion.
But sifting through the trash and senselessness, points of interest to be found are the concepts of what I truly valued, expected, and was concerned about at the time.
Frankly, my thought processes and character in general were just so incredibly shallow.
I’m fairly certain the purpose of the letter itself was for the person today to look back and see just how much they had changed. But for me in particular, there’s an especially violent contrast.
8th grade Adrian McIntosh was a foolish, hopeless imbecile. Back then in comparison, I just didn’t understand a single fucking thing.
Seeing this, I’m reminded of what a waste of youth I was, and additionally how much of it is the result of my upbringing and environment. It is also made evident to me that while everyone does plenty of growing up in High School, I may honestly have done all of mine here. I mean, that’s not to say I don’t have plenty to go, by any means; I’m sure I do. But I think I ended up having to take more from this phase of life than your average person.
I think if there’s a point to really be made at all, it’s just that I’ve realized I’ve come a very long way in this short amount of time. I am almost an entirely different person now than I was then; perhaps even on the deepest levels. But I’m incredibly thankful for that.
Lately my mind has been frequently getting snagged on all the “what ifs” of the past, thinking about different possible storyline paths I could have taken for this dynamic game we call life.
But I think I should use this letter as clarification that I have, at the very least, taken a damn good one — being able to see right in front of me just what it has brought me from.
I kind of feel like I should do something similar soon. Write another letter from the present me to a future me; Maybe to the me that has finished college, or something like that.
I just hope I can look upon that letter at that time with less disdain than that with which I looked upon this one today.
I can’t help but wonder, though, how the boy writing that letter would have felt, had he been able to take a glimpse into the future at the person to whom he was writing. It’s not especially important, but… I just wonder if he would be happy to see what he would become.
I’ll stop there, though. I could go on and on about things like this. As I’ve said before, high school is ending soon, and I have many, many heavy thoughts on my mind. But I’ll save them all for another time soon. So look forward to it, I guess.
I just don’t understand why I can’t seem to get myself to do anything.
I mean, the obvious solution is just to do it.
But once I’m there, it still doesn’t happen.
Fucking fuck fuck
is something that I have far less of than I should.
From time to time it concerns me greatly.
But today, I must fight regardless.
Today, the girlfriend had me come by to see her.
She had made me a very cute bracelet.
In addition, she saved me roughly two slices of a pumpkin pie.
And on top of all that, she baked me a large plate-full of various kinds of cookies, all of them delicious.
She’s such a sweet, sweet girl.
Sometimes, it truly, deeply saddens me that there is only a month’s time remaining.
I think I’m going to start doing them again, starting with some simple visual novels.
Look forward to it.
is a truly splendid thing.
would like to take this moment to say that Cynthia Hong is the best thing that has ever happened to humanity.
EVEN BETTER THAN DESCARTES.
AND APPLE FRITTERS.